God Bless Us, Everyone

Sophie would like you all to know that she is unable to walk. She cannot feel her legs. Because I asked her to help me pick up the mess she made while I was napping on the sofa. Or maybe it’s just a coincidence.

Nutty Child

Sophie just rolled over in her sleep on the sofa and said, “Dad, I told you I do not like peanuts.” Of course, she’s still asleep. And she loves peanuts. What?

Sophie In the Yard

She was digging holes in the dirt, a pile of small shells beside her on the ground. “These are my babies,” she said. “They are tired so I am putting them to sleep in the ground.” Dig. Dig. Dig. “Their blood is getting on my flip-flops.”

Captain Underpants

Also, while I’m thinking about it, Sophie demands–DEMANDS–that I give her extreme mad insane wedgies. Like pulling-her-underwear-up-to-her-nipples wedgies, and then she laughs and laughs and laughs. What is wrong with my child?

Poop

“Dogs eat poop,” Sophie says, “because poop is magic. It turns them into aliens.” But of course.

Laid Off

“‘Please’ doesn’t get my job back,” Sophie says, apropos of nothing.

Sting Me

“I do not want a bee to sting me on the nose,” Sophie said. “Then all of the air will come out of me.”

Robot Hair

“They took my hair,” Sophie said. “My robot hair.” Apparently, she’s writing lyrics for They Might Be Giants now.

How Did This Happen?

Somehow, I have managed to get the day off. What the fuck? It’s a miracle. So now the only question is what to do with myself. I think I will plunk the Sophie monster into her wagon and walk up to the gas station on the corner so she can get a sucker. And then. [...]

Brilliant

Sophie is using the hair on one of her My Little Ponies to spread a thin sheen of water over the seat of her rocking chair. It’s glue, you see. And she slipped earlier in the bathroom and fell on her ass. Get it? Glue on the chair? No more slipping, Daddy!